hospital visit

 so the other night, two nights ago, i woke up to pee and saw blood.  bright red blood.  it wasn't much so i went back to bed and waited.  my friend had texted an hour before that her water had broken and she was at the hospital waiting to deliver her baby.  i thought to myself, "was that just sympathy blood for adie?  we must be connected like sisters." an hour after i went pee i passed a small blood clot and the bleeding stopped.  i decided to try and get some sleep (which never happened as i lay awake thinking all night long about adie and her baby and the possible earlier arrival of mine) and see how i felt in the morning.  the last week i've been feeling very tired, heavy, and crampy.

a short day trip to carpinteria on monday proved i was done with little day trips, going for strolls, and being out of my comfort zone too long.  the day before i passed the clot, i rode bikes with ezra to see the donkeys exercising at the arena and thought it was quite laborious pedaling up a small inclined dirt road, and the next day i spent all morning packing boxes in the house getting ready for our next move.  

by lunch time i was sitting down waiting for the water to boil on the stove and by dinner i could hardly stand without having to excuse myself to the couch.  i definitely have been feeling the weight of this pregnancy - but not just the last week.  it's been progressing ever since we moved back to california.

my midwife in florida said that i should at the very least have an ultrasound to check out the placenta and have someone listen to the baby.  because we're in transition here between counties and haven't established a new midwife, doctor, or insurance for that matter, we went to the hospital to be seen.  they did the ultrasound and listened to the baby.  the placenta was in tact (our biggest concern) and the baby's heartbeat was strong and steady.  however, i was having contractions every two minutes and they said my uterus was in a state of irritability and needed to be calmed.  the doctor came and it was eventually decided after much hemming and hawing, that i take the drugs they would prescribe to stop preterm labor and a couple of doses of steroids to boost baby's lungs lest he does decide come early.  i am currently 32 weeks along.  baby's lungs are usually not ready to breathe on their own until they are at least 34 weeks along.  best to keep him in there as long as possible, so i thought the drugs were worth the risk given that if i didn't take them and he did come early, i would regret not having taken them.  

so one night was spent in the hospital with just as little or less sleep than the night before, hooked up to i.v. and dosed up on magna sulfate, along with fetal and contraction monitors wrapped around my belly, a blood pressure cuff going off every 2 hours, and a rubber finger puppet like heart monitor attached by yet another cord to my finger.  sleep is difficult enough to find when you have to pee every 2 hours in your own home.  add to that, the need to call a nurse to come and untangle and unplug the cords attached to you and follow you with the i.v. pole to the bathroom, and sleep doesn't come easy.  hospital beds aren't comfortable either.  i was so glad to be released the following morning without any more drugs.  the last one, the magna sulfate, did indeed slow down the contractions and i left just after getting the last dose of steroids to boost the baby's lung development.  i feel like the drugs have mostly left my body, i'm no longer cross eyed and weak, last night i had a very restful sleep between waking to pee on my own, unattached to cords or the need for assistance, laying back in my own bed between michael and ezra.  hospitals are no place for me.  i cried at the thought of having to spend my first night away from ezra in his life.  but, fortunately ezra was fine the whole while because he was at the ranch, riding bikes, chasing dogs, and helping out in the corral.  it would have been worse for me had i not known he was happy, free, and in the arms of family.  

so now i have a very big decision to make.  do i stay here living with my in-laws until the baby comes with the loving support of family all around us including my mom just 10 minutes away.  or do i move with michael, my best friend, my loving husband, the father of my children, into our new home and hope that things will go smoothly for us all moving to a new town, into a new house, with michael starting an 80 hour work week, and me staying home without a car or a family member nearby in case the baby decides to come early?  i guess we thought that we would have time after we moved next week.  after all the baby's official due date isn't for 8 more weeks.  we thought we'd have time to find a doctor, time to start up insurance (which apparently isn't as easy in california as it is in florida.  in florida you receive medicaid immediately for being pregnant.  in california you receive medicaid only immediately for being pregnant if you want an abortion.  wtf?!)  it is a 30 day application process to start in a county in california or to transfer to a different county, so i'll need to decide asap which county to start it in.  i'm ambivalent about what to do.  on the one hand, i want to be with michael and ezra in our own home for when the baby comes.  i just want to be settled in.  you know the whole nesting instinct that comes before having a baby isn't just an old wive's tale - i feel it in my bones.  but, i want to make sure i'm doing what's best for the baby and ezra.  keeping the baby in me as long as possible is the goal and it would be very nice to know that ezra has a smooth transition into big brotherhood.  here with the family all around me, i know that ezra would be doted on and completely absorbed by his beloved surroundings.  i would be able to rest more and rely on others to help if needed, whereas if we all move next week to our new home and michael begins an 80 hour work week, i will be on my own and that could prove to be stressful.  but, maybe i'll start to feel less pressure, less cramping, and stronger on my feet again and will have a last burst of energy before baby does decide to come which could be not for another 8 weeks!  the doctor at the hospital thinks he's coming in 2 to 3 weeks.  but, who really knows?  nobody.  

i read a post from my friend MJ a week ago.  she got me thinking about new year's resolutions and intentions and her choice to focus on being "open" in 2012 resounded with me then.  it has been the word i keep coming back to being in this situation that is out of my control.  i must let go and just be open to what happens.  let things unfold.  i'm not sure if it's best to stay or to go, but i am open to what either choice will bring.  i have to decide soon.  the important thing is, the baby and i are both fine and life is good.  love is all you need and family is love in action.  i am grateful for the one i have and the newest little member about to join us all.  we have so much to be thankful for.